6 Unintentionally Evil Children's Toys

You remember when you were a kid on Christmas morning, waiting to open up Santa's  presents. You jumped for joy when you saw your Furby or your Raggedy Ann doll. But for those of you who don't know, some toys are just plain evil. Some evil toys were designed like that, like Lawn Darts (throwable pointy, metal spikes that I get to play with OUTSIDE? Count me in!) were made to be dangerous. And then there are some who are pure evil and aren't intended to be the little Hell Beasts they are.


6. Easy Bake Oven

Easy-To-Make Recipes include cakes, donuts, and fingers.

This should not come as a surprise to anyone who's ever owned one of these things. For starters, it was recalled because there were several reported incidents in which children were burned as if they were sticking their fingers into Hell (Coincidence that it's in this article?). Now, what would drive a kid to stick their fingers into a tiny oven, we don't know. Maybe they're suicidal. Or just plain stupid. Either way, when the toy was rereleased, it featured a central heating system which made it harder to get burned by it. (Still though.....it's a tiny plastic Death Oven) This was also the first toy to prepare women for a lifetime of cooking and cleaning (and cooking).





5. Tickle-Me Elmo

Hi..........................................daddy.........

This one MAY actually come as a surprise to about 99% of the people reading this. Or it may not. It was evil enough to make this list. Maybe it's the way it stares at you with those big ping-pong-ball eyes, or that horrible laugh, but whatever its secret weapon may be, it's safe to say that Tickle-Me Elmo was invented by either sadists or pedophiles. Kids will grow up thinking that if they start tickling someone, they'll fall over and start laughing in a high pitched voice. And kids don't know him (ok, they know him, but it's not like they know him personally), so they may also grow up thinking that the tickling thing only works on complete strangers. Imagine having a kid walk up to you and start tickling you. The kid may actually punch you in the stomach to MAKE YOU fall over and laugh yourself silly.






4. Face Bank

Face Bank: You will do exactly as I say!
You: Yes, Satan!

This thing looks like Enik from Land of the Lost had a baby with E.T., and then someone impaled that baby with a LEGO brick. Much like the Easy Bake Oven, this thing's favorite food was fingers.......and money, I guess. We can only imagine the conversation that occurred when they thought up this thing:

Inventor: I have created a new bank for children everywhere.

Chairman: What's it look like?

Inventor: It's in the shape of a heart and is covered with smiling puppies made of rainbows.

Chairman: I like it, but we're gonna need to tweak it a little bit. Let's give it the face of Lord Voldemort, the body of Spongebob, and the adorableness of Cthulu.

Inventor: Consider it done!

Every coin placed into its mouth is eaten and chomped while creating a low humming noise. It IS just like listening to the screams of people it's killed! But don't worry. They recalled it, redesigned it, and rereleased it (the 3 R's). The new one can't look all that ba-------------OH MY GOD!

THAT'S NOT ANY BETTER!

3. Any Doll Ever



Mama! Mama! MURDER! MURDER!


Dolls are every girl's (and every confused boy's) best friends. They listen, they don't interrupt, and they don't try to drain anybody of their screams. Well, some of them don't. Ok, all of them do......when you're not looking. Dolls have been creeping everyone since the birth of Jesus. He only walked across the water because his doll was trying to kill him. And with dolls becoming more realistic every generation, it's a wonder pregnant women don't just give birth to them. At least if a doll said "Mama" 5 seconds after being born, it would be a little less creepy.




2. Jack-In-The-Box

Artist's Representation of Fear

Jack-In-The-Boxes are evil. Plain and simple. For starters, they all look like clowns, unless it's some weird licensed character like Elmo or Scooby Doo who has been mercilessly been stuffed into a box. Second, they pop up only after you play that EXTREMELY annoying song, "Pop Goes The Weasel". Apparently, Jack (if that's his real name) is mentally ill and thinks he's a weasel for some reason.





1. Furby

The world is at peace once more.

NOBODY should be surprised at this. Furbies are essentially the toy version of the Anti-Christ, waiting in silence (except for the occasional "WAAAAAAAAAH" it makes), biding its time to defeat the Toy Jesus (otherwise known as Optimus Prime). And it's not just the general public, nor us here at Goop Humor, but it's also the American government who hates these monsters. Furbies have been banned in military facilities and science labs (which are presumably to create Man-Lizard hybrids to defeat the Commies), as the little monsters have computer chips inside them that allow them to record everything they hear. That's right. The government thinks that Furbies are terrorist spies. We don't blame them.