6 Unintentionally Evil Children's Toys

You remember when you were a kid on Christmas morning, waiting to open up Santa's  presents. You jumped for joy when you saw your Furby or your Raggedy Ann doll. But for those of you who don't know, some toys are just plain evil. Some evil toys were designed like that, like Lawn Darts (throwable pointy, metal spikes that I get to play with OUTSIDE? Count me in!) were made to be dangerous. And then there are some who are pure evil and aren't intended to be the little Hell Beasts they are.


6. Easy Bake Oven

Easy-To-Make Recipes include cakes, donuts, and fingers.

This should not come as a surprise to anyone who's ever owned one of these things. For starters, it was recalled because there were several reported incidents in which children were burned as if they were sticking their fingers into Hell (Coincidence that it's in this article?). Now, what would drive a kid to stick their fingers into a tiny oven, we don't know. Maybe they're suicidal. Or just plain stupid. Either way, when the toy was rereleased, it featured a central heating system which made it harder to get burned by it. (Still though.....it's a tiny plastic Death Oven) This was also the first toy to prepare women for a lifetime of cooking and cleaning (and cooking).





5. Tickle-Me Elmo

Hi..........................................daddy.........

This one MAY actually come as a surprise to about 99% of the people reading this. Or it may not. It was evil enough to make this list. Maybe it's the way it stares at you with those big ping-pong-ball eyes, or that horrible laugh, but whatever its secret weapon may be, it's safe to say that Tickle-Me Elmo was invented by either sadists or pedophiles. Kids will grow up thinking that if they start tickling someone, they'll fall over and start laughing in a high pitched voice. And kids don't know him (ok, they know him, but it's not like they know him personally), so they may also grow up thinking that the tickling thing only works on complete strangers. Imagine having a kid walk up to you and start tickling you. The kid may actually punch you in the stomach to MAKE YOU fall over and laugh yourself silly.






4. Face Bank

Face Bank: You will do exactly as I say!
You: Yes, Satan!

This thing looks like Enik from Land of the Lost had a baby with E.T., and then someone impaled that baby with a LEGO brick. Much like the Easy Bake Oven, this thing's favorite food was fingers.......and money, I guess. We can only imagine the conversation that occurred when they thought up this thing:

Inventor: I have created a new bank for children everywhere.

Chairman: What's it look like?

Inventor: It's in the shape of a heart and is covered with smiling puppies made of rainbows.

Chairman: I like it, but we're gonna need to tweak it a little bit. Let's give it the face of Lord Voldemort, the body of Spongebob, and the adorableness of Cthulu.

Inventor: Consider it done!

Every coin placed into its mouth is eaten and chomped while creating a low humming noise. It IS just like listening to the screams of people it's killed! But don't worry. They recalled it, redesigned it, and rereleased it (the 3 R's). The new one can't look all that ba-------------OH MY GOD!

THAT'S NOT ANY BETTER!

3. Any Doll Ever



Mama! Mama! MURDER! MURDER!


Dolls are every girl's (and every confused boy's) best friends. They listen, they don't interrupt, and they don't try to drain anybody of their screams. Well, some of them don't. Ok, all of them do......when you're not looking. Dolls have been creeping everyone since the birth of Jesus. He only walked across the water because his doll was trying to kill him. And with dolls becoming more realistic every generation, it's a wonder pregnant women don't just give birth to them. At least if a doll said "Mama" 5 seconds after being born, it would be a little less creepy.




2. Jack-In-The-Box

Artist's Representation of Fear

Jack-In-The-Boxes are evil. Plain and simple. For starters, they all look like clowns, unless it's some weird licensed character like Elmo or Scooby Doo who has been mercilessly been stuffed into a box. Second, they pop up only after you play that EXTREMELY annoying song, "Pop Goes The Weasel". Apparently, Jack (if that's his real name) is mentally ill and thinks he's a weasel for some reason.





1. Furby

The world is at peace once more.

NOBODY should be surprised at this. Furbies are essentially the toy version of the Anti-Christ, waiting in silence (except for the occasional "WAAAAAAAAAH" it makes), biding its time to defeat the Toy Jesus (otherwise known as Optimus Prime). And it's not just the general public, nor us here at Goop Humor, but it's also the American government who hates these monsters. Furbies have been banned in military facilities and science labs (which are presumably to create Man-Lizard hybrids to defeat the Commies), as the little monsters have computer chips inside them that allow them to record everything they hear. That's right. The government thinks that Furbies are terrorist spies. We don't blame them.

6 Most Badass Animals On The Planet

There are some animals on the planet that just suck. These things are easy to kill by staring at them. Then there are the tough animals, almost unkillable monsters to ever roam the earth.

And then there are these guys.

6. Falcon


Yeah, that's right. I'm watching you.



Just look at this guy! With eyes as keen as a hawk's and talon like knives, this guy puts Superman to shame. Of course, EVERYONE puts Superman to shame, but I thought I had to emphasize that a little bit. Just look at that stare. It's like he's staring into your soul. The very same soul he's about to rip out of your chest.....or where ever you keep your soul.

5. Hippopotamus



The "Everything Else In The World" Eating Race!

Behold the hippo, the only animal able to snap a crocodile in half like the very toothpick it used to pick lions out of its teeth. This monstrosity can be 6,000 pounds and have teeth the size of bowling pins! It's like a giant, meat twinkie with teeth.

Oh, and its hide is so thick, bullets bounce off it. That's right. Not only does this thing uses crocodiles to pick lions and YOU out of its teeth, but it's also bulletproof. No wonder it kills more humans than any other animal in Africa. It's like Chuck Norris with a gland disorder.

4. Army Ant

Their favorite foods include caterpillars, beetles, and your face.

These little murderers attack by attacking simultaneously en masse, in groups known as raids. They're like little, tiny Huns, ready to rip you limb from limb. Literally.

Don't take our word for it?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VN6w1rIt1wk

Ants are the only animals besides humans that enslave their own. We mean they bring out the ant whips and ant cattle prods. And no. There's no ant Underground Railroad.

One more thing: Ants are also the only animals besides Humans that declare war on others. We should just be happy they haven't learned how to drive tanks.

Yet.

3. Polar Bear



Ahh...it's so cu-IT'S GOT MY LEG!

 Polar Bears. The largest darn land carnivore on the stinkin' planet! The one ton animal that can kill you in 5 FREAKIN' SECONDS! At 11ft tall while standing up, this thing is like you took Chuck Norris, Jackie Chan, and Theodore Roosevelt and made an animal out of them. And contrary to what you see in movies and Coca Cola commercials, Polar Bears live in the North Pole and Penguins live in the South Pole. That's right. Polar Bears scared even Penguins out of the North Pole.

Here's a video:

http://www.metacafe.com/watch/836044/polar_bear_attack/

And the best part is they have no natural predators. That includes humans. Even mankind can't stop the rampage of these destructive monsters! NO NATURAL PREDATORS!



Except maybe the sun.



2. Green Sea Slug



Nope. No slugs here. Just a couple of slug-shaped leaves.


We've all dreamt of the amazing Planimal, an organism that was half-plant, half-animal. After seeing it on Tremors: The TV Series, we all wondered if it was actually possible. But we all figured it was just a myth.

We were all wrong. Even you. Yeah, I'm talking to you!

As we all know here on Goop Humor, the ocean is an awesome and terrifying place. The Green Sea Slug puts its mark on the "awesome" end of the meter. By eating certain algaes, the Green Sea Slug (Scientific name: Freakfacius planimalius) can absorb the chloroplasts and insert them into its own DNA, (Like a genetic moochy neighbor who never returned the lawn mower he "absorbed" from you.) allowing the slug to perform photosynthesis. That's right. The only way you can starve this thing is to block out the sun.



The sun hates Polar Bears AND slugs, apparently.





1. Tardigrade (Water Bear)

They're right. The resemblance is uncanny!

Why they called this thing a Water Bear, we don't know. Though the guy who named it was Italian, so we think that justifies it. He claims it's called a Water Bear because "it moves gracefully and smoothly like a bear". We don't exactly think of the bear being the Michael Jackson of the animal world (ok, maybe the panda bear). We actually think of the bear as the Mr. T of the animal world, pitying all of the squirrels and moose that get in his way. But that's cool with us, because the Water Bear is nearly indestructible.

Yeah. You can't kill it. Plain as that. Extreme Temperatures? Nope. It can survive at 151 degrees, and at -272 degrees celcius (about 1 degree away from absolute zero.) Radiation? Nope. It can revert to a freeze dried form until the atmosphere becomes breathable again. Dehydration? Nope. Toxins? Nope.

HOW ABOUT THE STINKIN' VACUUM OF SPACE? DOES THAT WORK?
No, it doesn't.

To add to its badassery, its the animal whose name most sounds like a Pokemon.

6 Animals From Under Your Bed

Mother Nature is responsible for all living things on the planet. But she's also a sadistic jerk with a cruel sense of humor. It seems that, when there's nothing to do on a Sunday, she has herself a ball making things to stick on the planet for the sheer purpose of scaring the crap out of us.

6. Star-Nose Mole Wants to Mole-st You

OH MY GOD! WHAT IS THAT?
That, my friends, is the Star-Nosed Mole, one of Mother Nature's wretched abominations. And yes, that's its NOSE. Star Nosed-Mole uses that death shnozz to search for worms, centipedes, and the souls of dead babies. Like Michael Jackson, it has one of the freakiest noses of all time. Unlike Michael Jackson, however, we can't say for sure if this thing has ever molested a child.







5. Gulper Eel Wants You for Dinner

We know what you're thinking. No. This is NOT a photoshop. This abomination actually EXISTS. It's called the Satanfish. Oh wait. My bad. It's called the Gulper Eel, although I don't really see the difference. It's basically just a floating stomach........with teeth. It floats around the abyss, snapping up innocent bystanders when they don't expect it. Kind of like door-to-door salesman. Makes it worse actually.







4. Fish That Ate All the Drugs

Now she's done it. She's created a fish that looks more terrifying than the Michael Jackson Mole and the Satanfish combined. In case you couldn't tell, this thing lives in the abyss, otherwise known as the Void of Lost Souls! This thing looks like someone took everything you ever did wrong in your life, and turned it into a fish. Or is it a boggart? I can't decide.








3. Fish With A Human Face

It seems the guy who made the Human Centipede also made the Eternal Damnation Fish, otherwise known as the Koi. Most Koi don't have a human face. But every so often, God (or Satan. It could be either's doing) decided to play a trick on us. Imagine if you went fishing one day, and this thing said, "What's up, Bill?"






2. Squid Wants To Eat Your Face

Ok, now this is just getting ridiculous. What's worse than a fish with a human face? A squid with FREAKING HUMAN TEETH! SINCE WHEN DO SQUID HAVE TEETH AT ALL? People tell us it's just the squid's lips (?) protecting the beak, but whatever it is, we're not going anywhere near that Hellsquid's Hole of Toothy Death.






Last But Not Least...................................
1. Japanese Spider Crab Is Thirsty For Souls

AHHHHHHHHHHHHH! HP LOVECRAFT HAS GONE MAD!!!!!!!!! Oh wait! That's not the spawn of Cthulu! That's the Japanese Giant Spider Crab. Just its name is the scourge of people who can hear or read.
1. Japanese=Horrifying
2. Giant=Horrifying
3. Spider=Horrifying
4. Crab=Horrifying
This thing is 13 feet across, which is 13 feet larger than we typically like our Japanese Death Beasts. Also it's the son of Ebriah.

Make sure to look real good under your bed and inside your pillow before you go to sleep tonight. Don't turn around............................Just stay put....................................